This Wasn’t Meant to Happen by Ali Harris

Author:Ali Harris [Harris, Ali]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780008708450
Publisher: One More Chapter

Chapter Forty-Three

That night, Rory and I lie in bed wrapped in the warmth and security of each other’s arms, silence shrouding us. It feels to me like the memories of today are swirling between us like a mist amid the weight of our grief. As much as the experience of collecting his death certificate was painful, we’ve been brought together because of it.

Leo, Artie, Elijah. The names circle in my head, echoing like the distant singing of children’s nursery rhymes and added to the list of other babies my boy will never get to know.

Ring a ring a roses…

Atishoo atishoo we all fall down

Twinkle Twinkle little Star

How I wonder what you are…

I close my eyes and imagine him lying next to those babies on mats at a Baby Massage Class. I see him and Fergus crawling around with push-along-toys at a Drop-in-and-Play session. I imagine him at nursery; at birthday parties; on his first day at primary school. Secondary school. Football matches. Scout camp. Movie nights. Prom. Graduation. Wedding day. In an alternate universe – one where Leo had lived – this would have been my reality.

‘Sofie?’

I open my eyes and look at my husband’s face on the pillow next to me. His eyes are wide open, but unusually distant. I wonder if he’s imagining an alternative future for our boy, too. Is he consumed with thoughts of what life would have been like if we’d been registering his birth today, instead?

Am I destined to always be defined by my most loved one’s deaths? Dead Dad Girl, now Dead Baby Mother?

There’s a rushing sound in my head, like I’m on a waltzer and I feel my brain ricocheting between the two worst experiences of my life until they’re all I’m made up of.

‘Sofie?’ he repeats. He eases up on one elbow and rests his head on his hand.

‘Mmm?’ I lift my lips to his. At least there is still him. Still us. Certainty. Stability. Love. We kiss for a long time. We kiss like we are trying to forget. Briefly, I feel myself leave my brain and the pain of my body behind and I’m able to focus only on the moment.

Even though it was hard, maybe today has led to a small amount of acceptance. Perhaps this is a turning point not just for me – but for us both. I know I’ve been distant; not known how to reach out to Rory, only lean on him. I’d like that to change. I allow my hands to travel down under the covers to Rory’s waist; my fingers graze his stomach and continue their sudden, urgent journey down. I’m desperate to be released from this pain, to find pleasure again. I slip my fingers under the elastic of his pants, trying to find the smooth, thick arc of him. I want to hold Rory, cling to him like a safety rope.

I’m surprised when he draws back and opens his eyes.

‘You know, Sofie,’ he murmurs, ‘seeing those babies today really made me think about⁠—’

‘Me, too.

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